Sunday, November 09, 2008
Intro: D – G
D D D/F# G
You have called me by name and I followed You
D G D/F# G
My heart is in flame for I know I'm one of the few
Bm
Though unworthy I am
A
You gave me the chance
G
to be the best I can
Bm A
For I was away and I was astray
G
but here I am standing before You
CHORUS:
D-G-D/F# G
I am home (back into your arms)
D-G-D/F# G
I am home (in the warmth of your love)
Em D/F# G
I lose my hold and You reach my hand
A
You held me up
D
I'm truly home
This song has been my battlecry lately...
six months... I guess that's the longest I've gone without service. And it feels, completely draining sometimes. Like being lost. I know my faith will not falter, but it just feels different to be in that crossroad once again. I mean, I was never the black sheep type of person, but I really felt what they call spiritual dryness over the past couple of months.
Maybe it is because of guilt, knowing that despite of all the blessings that he has given me for the past 23 years, and the overflowing blessings for my family and loved ones, there's just some things I can't fully surrender. I know He can give me everything I ever wanted and more, but for this part of the bargain, I just can't, or won't give it, leave it all up to Him. I'm embarrassed that He's being shortchanged, kind of. So somehow, I feel like I don't deserve to be here. To be in the community. I am living in sin... and somehow, I don't want to completely get out of there.
It's when... I always say that I believe, I trust in His plans, but, for some reason, I am not giving Him the full authority over it. I'm acting, behaving like a normal girl... when I know I am cut out to be special. So that kind of hinders me from serving.
And so last night, when I attended this gathering, I kind of thought it was dragging. Maybe I was so uneasy thinking if I was the most sinful person in that room. That unlike them, I still haven't surrendered myself completely. I felt like I didn't belong in there anymore. I was probably one of the tallest girls in the room, but I felt sooo small around them. But during the prayer, I just wanted to talk to Him, feel Him in my worship. I haven't done that in a long time. And then that's when I realized... nothing has really changed. It's still Him...and I.
Me and my God. That's all that matters. For unworthy as I am. He is still there, will always be there. Welcoming me with open arms. I can't be a princess if I don't have a King. Maybe the people have changed, the setup...but the Master and His servant, the faithful, graceful Master still remains.
I know, He has a purpose for me in the community, which is why He keeps on calling me back. Even without the people I journeyed with. If I were to count my friends that I had when I began my journey, there are a lot who already took a different route. Who chose other things, who had other priorities than this kind of service. Maybe they have their own ways of serving. I always believe that the Lord has His ways of finding each of us. But I'm still here. Eagerly trying. Not losing the zest for it. Believing in His promise. Because everytime I lose my way He never lets me go too far. So I guess I am where I should be. And I will be staying. I know I will find that purpose one day.
I'm still not perfect, still impure in many ways. But I know He will help me. No matter how hard, how long it takes.
And truly, I am home.
another adventure for COSMOGIRL!
