Monday, August 14, 2006
Warning: This is a long entry.I was about to send this thing that I wrote to a glossy women's magazine, but then I would want my dear bloggers to read this, and also because, I want the whole world to know that I made my mistake, but I had the chance to make it right. And I super thank my boyfriend, the love of my life, for giving me this chance. So, in other words, this entry is for my babe. I just want everyone to know how sorry I am that I almost broke his heart, and I would do anything to heal it.
Mahal, I hope you read this (if you know him, kahit kwento mo na lang sa kanya that I wrote this for him)...
Cliche'd as it may sound, I thought that when I find my true love, everything will be perfect. I'm the type of person who values loyalty and trust in a relationship, so I'm not one who looks around and plays around. So imagine my surprise, when I found myself getting confused and lost in my relationship.
When I tell my friends that my relationship is not perfect, they always tell me, "You make it seem like it is." Admittedly, sometimes even I believe that I have the perfect relationship. The setup is ideal. We started out as friends and we fell in love. We both have the passion for serving our God, where young people look up to us as an ideal couple. He's their
Kuya, I'm their
Ate. Our parents know each other because we all belong to the same community. I just started working, while he's been working for a year, and we've started talking about our future. His mind's set on working abroad, so that after a year or two, we can buy a lot for a modest home. When you see it that way, you will agree with me that our relationship is pretty much stable.
It's stable, not perfect. We've had a lot of fights. Major ones that almost broke us off, and petty ones, that when you ignore, can get so big and turn into a major one. Like we argue about me being so
makulit, and him not spending time with me as much as before. But of course, we'd always make up. I'd always apologize for being so demanding, and he'd say sorry for being so irritable. So our relationship isn't perfect. But that's no reason for me to start looking for another. When I committed to my boyfriend, I vowed to give my best in our relationship. I've given up the bachelorette life, and I've stopped looking at other men. I told myself that I would be the perfect girlfriend for him.
So on one out-of-town trip for work, I met this guy. Let's call him Doorman. He's buffed, chinito (I know my babe will laugh when he reads this), and really nice to me. I was just in the trip to assist in the event, so while my officemates were having their seminar, I was pretty much alone. Lonely, because really, I would rather go to that place with the people I love and not for work. So Doorman kept me company. Him and the guard stationed in the country club. He'd show me the greatest spots in Tagaytay, and everything seemed so good. But I wouldn't doubt that the whole time we were at those breathtaking spots, I was thinking about my babe. Wishing he'd see it with me.
That night when my bosses were on their drinking spree, Doorman called me in the bar, and he noticed my voice was shaking. I'm freezing, I told him. And I'm getting scared with the older men hitting on me at the bar. He said he'd go over there, and I told him not to. But he still did, and he even brought an extra jacket for me. How thoughtful, I thought. We spent the night talking. About our relationships. I'd brag to him about my babe, because I know that I'm the luckiest, most blessed girl in the world to have him (I still do). I told him that even though my boyfriend doesn't spend much time with me anymore, I know that he loves me, and he's doing this for our future. He told me that a lot can still happen. When he was my boyfriend's age (he's 28, my boyfriend's 23), he thought that he'd be together with his girlfriend then forever, but a lot has happened already. He's been with two more girls after the one he promised forever to.
That's when I got scared. And confused. I called up my boyfriend because I wanted him to reassure me, but he was sleepy already.
That night, I couldn't sleep well... I don't know why I felt so safe around him. He's so similar to the guys I used to like. Someone with a rough streak, but is mature when you get to know him. Was there an attraction? I wasn't sure. And so, admittedly, I got confused, if I like him.
The next day, was different. We got closer, I felt comfortable around him. And I felt weird because the guard would talk to me about him, what a nice person he is, the guard would even cover for him so that he could tour me to the nicest places in their country club. The attraction in his side was undeniable. But I know that I caught myself on time. I knew that attraction was so shallow compared to the deep feelings I have for my boyfriend. That day, he kept asking me, when we'll see each other again. I told him, that maybe when he plays in our area, if by chance he plays with my boyfriend, then we'll see each other and catch up. He said my boyfriend might get mad. I told him that he wouldn't, because I'll be taking my boyfriend with me, in case we see each other. When we parted, I just thanked him for being so nice to me and showing me all the coolest spots there. I told him I'm gonna miss Tagaytay.
Even until when I was back in the city, we were texting constantly, talking about how great the place was, and updating each other about our relationships. I keep telling him to go to his girlfriend's place and fix things with her. As for me and my babe, things were still as it is, stable. But that night, I confided to a close friend about my "confusion", he told me that clearly, I was just alone and missing the company of my boyfriend in Tagaytay, that I just got too vulnerable, that I thought I was feeling something for Doorman. My friend said, that if I keep entertaining Doorman, I would lose my babe, and I just couldn't live with that. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything seemed much clearer after that. I know my boyfriend and I have our shortcomings, but definitely, the love is alive. He's the only one and I wouldn't trade him for anybody else. My friend warned me though that I shouldn't tell my boyfriend, or else I might just lose his trust.
The next day, when I thought everything would be better, it turned tougher. I was expecting everything to be back to normal, where I would forget that little weekend confusion phase. But being with my babe is such a rollercoaster ride. That when I was expecting him to reassure me, he was making it hard for me to get reassurance.
I guess the truth is, I wasn't confused if I was feeling something for Doorman, it's probably just the romantic ambiance in Tagaytay. I was confused that, what if my boyfriend really doesn't love me anymore? What if all we planned for our future become empty promises? What if he just woke up one day and realize he doesn't care about me? Even more, I got so confused if our love would stand the test of time. I mean, I was just in Tagaytay and I got confused. What if he gets confused in another country? Would he do the same as I did? Would he entertain a nice person who keeps him company while he's alone? I know now that I was not confused. Just afraid. I know for myself that I wouldn't do anything when a guy starts to be close to me. I'm just not so confident that he'd do the same.
Going back to that Sunday, I wanted to see him, but he wouldn't tolerate me. It's Sunday, we agreed it's family day. So I just didn't get the assurance I was desperately yearning for. I thought he just didn't want to see me. The more I started to doubt if I made the right choice in being with him. Things got worse that night, because we got in a fight, and my mind was already spinning (about my career and I just couldn't get that assurance from him). Doorman was nice, telling me that things are gonna be alright between me and my boyfriend, and I thanked him for being there for me, he said that's what friends do.
Monday, things were way confusing. I was still texting with Doorman. Regarding something I left at the country club and apparently, he's still not okay with his girlfriend, and my boyfriend was still pissed at me. The night before I promised my babe that I wouldn't bug him so I just waited the whole day if he would text me. Fortunately, that text came late in the afternoon, asking me if I wanted to ride with them. But things were not as smoothsailing as I hoped they would be. We got into another fight because I kept insisting we spend more time, and he doesn't want to. Eventually, I told him that we really needed to talk. I mustered enough courage to tell him that if we don't, he'll never hear what I want to say... ever. So finally, I convinced him to come home with me.
The fight started out so bad, I was so nervous what his reaction was gonna be. We started arguing again about the stuff we usually fight about. Like he always think I'm jealous of him spending time with his family (which is so not true, you know that now, don't you Babe?), when I just feel taken for granted, that's all. And I was just confused if he still loves me. He told me to believe and be satisfied. I thought the argument would never stop but then it finally came to a point that I told him about Doorman, and I admitted that I got confused if I had feelings for the guy. He fell silent, and it broke my heart when I saw how hurt he was, like all the energy in him evaporated. That's when it hit me. I was so stupid for doing that to him. How could I do something that would hurt the person I love most so bad? I broke out crying while apologizing and hugging him the whole time. Because at that moment, all the confusion disappeared and all I wanted to do was comfort him, and assure him that it's him I love. Only him. I didn't let go of him until he told me that he believes me.
Funny thing about my boyfriend (which is also one thing that I love about him), is that he can make even the toughest situations seem lighter. He started making fun of me, for getting confused, and almost liking a chinito guy who just showed me around Tagaytay. Everything felt better after that. He said that if he was
"tarantado", he would've broke up with me that moment. So I started crying and hugging him again. Saying sorry that I questioned his love and giving him a reason to question my love for him. I didn't let go until he told me that everything's okay. I asked him what he would do if he goes out of the country and meets someone, would he be confused like I was? Finally, he reassured me that everytime he meets a girl, and everytime he hears that a girl likes him (He's just soo lovable, girls can't help liking him, but he's mine, finders keepers!), he ignores it completely because he wants to be loyal to me, and because I'm the only girl he wants to be with. I cried more after that. And more hugging. I just couldn't let go of him, I would be crazy to let go of him. I was just so thankful that I loved the right person.
Well, it was getting late so he said that he should leave. I agreed because I didn't want to keep him from his family. Before he left, we locked in a long, tight embrace, and it's the warmest feeling I've had in a long time. At that moment, I felt more than contented and satisfied. I felt complete.
The next day, I woke up getting a text from him, saying that he wouldn't want to be selfish, that if I'm not happy in our relationship anymore, I only have to tell him and he'll let me go. I insisted that it will never happen. Because that would be the only time I got confused, and now I'm believing in our love. I didn't stop reassuring him until he told me that he believes me. That same day, Doorman texted me asking me about the giveaways that I left, and he was trying to catch up with me. I texted him a very brief message about the souvenirs, and finally thanking him for being so nice to me in Tagaytay, and that I hope we'd stay friends even if we don't text or see each other anymore. That was the last message I sent him. He asked me if I'm not going to text him anymore. I didn't reply, so I guess, even though he didn't get it from a text, I'm sure he got the message.
WhenI think about it now, I just feel really stupid for questioning what I have with my babe. How could I go back to liking those kinds of guys? They are even one of the reasons why I feel so blessed that I'm with my boyfriend. And I know all that matters is that I love my boyfriend, it doesn't matter anymore if he loves me the way I do, what matters is I love him. The one who makes me laugh even in the toughest situations. The only one who makes me cry and forget my every hurt when I see or hear him cry. The only one who can make me feel so happy even when we're not always seeing eye to eye. The one who makes my heart beat faster, and slower at the same time. The one who can make me feel a multitude of feelings and still know it's all because of one thing: true love.
Although it seemed like Doorman was the antagonist in this situation, I'll never thank him enough for what he did for me and my babe. My being confused with my attraction for him made me see the whole picture a lot clearer. I realized that the problem was not with him, and with my boyfriend. The problem was me. Because unconsciously, I believed that I was the perfect girlfriend, trying so hard to be one. Believing that my point is always right. It now occurred to me that I'm only human. Capable of making mistakes. That I don't have to be so perfect, because someone loves me for who I am. My ever so faithful, loving and forgiving boyfriend.
Now I know what they mean that love is more than a feeling. Sometimes it's also a decision. To cherish and be faithful and have faith with that person no matter how many trials you come across. I know now that no matter how strong I want to be, I can be vulnerable. I can be faced with confusing situations like petty misunderstandings. But now I know that I only have to focus on the bigger picture and choose to hold on to the hands of the person I love. And we'll never get lost because love always finds it's way. ***Babe, Mahal, I would never forgive myself for the pain I caused you when I doubted. My heart aches everytime I remember the look on your face when I told you that I was confused. It was one one the weakest moments in my life. Now I know that it will be so stupid if I do that again. Now I really know what you mean when you say that I should just believe and be satisfied. I do and I am now. So I'm telling the world that I will never doubt what we have, because I know it is real. We both can feel it. I always tell you that I've waited my entire life to find you. So I'm not letting go, ever again. And I would do anything to prove to you that my love is true and it will never change. You are and will always be my forever. I love you so much.
another adventure for COSMOGIRL!
